Conventional Thinking - Part Three

Hello again children.



Saturday Afternoon
Returning from the borough of Peter, Mick mustering every ounce of speed he could from the 2CV (so a full 40mph then). We turned into the hotel car park flying past an American lady dressed in full Japanese kimono. Top-down on the 2CV, rocking out like muthas with the stereo blasting out - No Use For a Name’s punk cover of ‘Turning Japanese’!

Proving a point about the hotels location, despite our best efforts we didn’t quite manage to catch the start of Norm’s Q+A. A shame since it turned out to be the most entertaining of the weekend.

As Norm gets older he becomes increasingly straight talking, scathing and dismissive. Julian Clary, Ronnie Corbett and the state of TV, all victims of Norm’s criticism. Conversely Gwen Stefani and Shakira got the Norman Lovett seal of approval. Asked if he would appear on a reality show, Norm revealed he was considered for “I’m a celebrity…” only to miss out to Mike “Charisma” Read.

G&T’s Tanya then asked Norman about “I Lovett” – For those unaware of the show – it was a sit-com (of sorts) which revolved around the principle character a struggling inventor-played by Norm. As a reference point, think the Young Ones for the middle-aged man. As Norm potters around his flat having conversations with his dog, a spider and a picture of a horse hanging in his bedroom. It’s a little surreal and not the funniest thing you will ever see but I was lucky enough to be shown the pilot once at a friends and it’s certainly watchable. In answering Tanya, Norm revealed he has the whole series, including the pilot episode, at home. So hopefully the petition for an Independent DVD release can start here.

Saturday Afternoon (A bit later)

Late afternoon and it was time for a DJ regular, The Red Dwarf Olympics. ‘Olympics’ seems a bit of a grandiose title for what in reality is a bunch of Dwarf references made ‘solid’ and given a basic scoring system. Think of a Dwarfed-up version of the games you would play at a Village Fate and you won’t be fair off. Attendees play each of the games, complete a scorecard and then hand this into the fan club team. The winner receiving a life-size replica of Cyndi Lauper (Ok I’m not actually sure what the prize was but I’m sure it was nice)

Not really one for the uber-geekery set, the G&T crowd headed off to record another ‘Dwarfcast’ whilst Mick and I pottered to the bar to practice the unrecognised event of Pint-lifting.

On reflection I’m a little disappointed I didn’t throw myself into events, such as the ‘Olympics’ or attending the various signing sessions. Neither are quintessential to the DJ experience but not giving everything a go is a little akin to going to Alton Towers and then just looking at the plants.

The next few hours were very relaxed, as attention turned to the Saturday night entertainment and Disco. For those attending alone I guess late afternoon/evening Saturday must be the most boring part of DJ but if you’re lucky enough to engage in conversation during this time it can lead to some memorable if surreal discussions – buying plutonium in supermarkets and Mick’s planned transportation method being noteworthy.

I also remember myself and BTLi regular Nicky being sat outside with the drunken scouser who had heckled Chris Barrie on the Friday. He recounted the full story of the fight he had been involved in on the Friday night and that he was only here to see Craig Charles. A shame for him then as ten minutes after our conversation he was picked up by the police on an assault charge.

Saturday Night (Dance I like the way you move….pretty baby)

At my first DJ, back in 2002, alone and a shrinking violet - I looked on the much rejoiced DJ disco with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for dog poo or Russell Brand. Well, I was young, wrong and misguided. Truthfully I was just wrong and misguided but smeg off this is my journal and I’ll call it as I see it.

Saturday’s entertainment & disco is without question the keystone of the entire DJ event. 200 dwarfers, all wearing their least smeggy clothes, a great atmosphere, all the bars open and a plethora of the cheesiest pop, dance and rock music in all six known universes. To enjoy it you simply have to make an effort.

The afternoon had ran a little behind with the Visual FX Boys presentation and short Q+A bumped backwards into the evening line-up (rumours this was to allow time to force feed Pete Tyler another 2 bowls of coffee are completely unfounded)

The Hawaiian shirts may have been missing this year but we were treated to some great, never before seen footage of the guys at work on various Dwarf episodes, in particular the model shot of Starbug crashing onto the rocks from ‘Dimension Jump’. Additionally we were treated to designs and pictures of the new Blue Midget, built for Series 8. The model itself never figures in its “real” format. Only appearing in its CGI incarnation (and managing to lose much of it’s charm). The debate between model shots and CGI was a recurring one during the Q+A, with Pete & Co recalling tales of clueless TV execs. They are though a vastly talented team, defending there livelihood In the face of the CGI boom so who can blame them.

The evening’s entertainment proper started with Norm returning to the stage, for his unique slide-show based comedy routine. Hand on heart, for me this was biggest disappointment of this years DJ. Last year’s slides had been top class with Norm milking a wonderful line in observational humour from a slide collection of his pets and his local streets. This year’s routine seemed to lack spark and novelty. Those slides which did draw a reaction looked to be ones re-used from last year. To be fair, Norm did mention before starting that he was trying out new material and the laughs did start to pick up, only for the routine to finish abruptly just as it seemed to be finding it’s stride.

A trip to the bar, turned out to be the most excellent pick-me-up, with a flash of a smile from the stunningly gorgeous blonde barmaid.

Note: There’s no reason for the above statement save that when I re-read this prior to next years DJ I can get my hopes up she’s still working there.

After a quick fiddle in my pockets (to find change), fan club team member Sharon burst through the doors of the main hall and came bounding over to ask if I’d seen Ian. Unable to help she scurried off muttering “You can never find that female-faced brummie when you want him!” in turned out the annual fancy dress competition was up next and Ian was wanted as a judge.

I suppose it’s human nature but the first thought at this time every DJ is always the same, “I could have entered that”. I didn’t however so immediate kudos to those who made the effort.

This year saw just over a dozen entries, ranging on a dwarf-related scale from magnificent holo-ships to a couple of garbage Pods. One bloke entered as ‘a prisoner’ – wearing an authentic Series 8 prisoner costume, surely missing the whole point of the competition.

Most obscure entry (of all time?) was a youngish lad wearing white shirt and waistcoat, announced as “Jimmy”. Bemused looks shot around the tables whilst others mouthed “Whose Jimmy?” before gradual realisation spread through the room that it was meant to be “Jimmy” from the saloon scenes in Gunmen of the Apocalyps. Bringing to an end my mental free-fall trying to place which episode featured Jimmy White.

Having a couple of fans on the judging panel (Ian and Wendy) paid dividends as for once the top three places went to the best three entrants - The Inquisitor, a large scale Skutter replica and a Ganymede Holiday Inn Service Droid. Pedantry insists that I bemoan the Inquisitor being chosen over the Service Droid entrant who not only looked spot-on but even maintained an in-character walk whilst circling the stage.

The Disco

It’s tough to describe the wonder of the DJ Disco. It’s the sort of mix that if you walked into on a night out would trigger a 180. It’s not quite full blown “wedding reception” nor quite “school disco” but it’s pretty close. Back to back Shakira tracks and Gwen Stefani featured in the first half dozen songs. (Had Mr Lovett been bribing the DJ?) before cliched party hits sandwiched requests for Green Day, Kaiser Chiefs, The Darkness and U2.

Much like last year “I Believe in a thing called Love” saw the G&T posse and assorted stragglers drop their half-smoked roll-ups and dash to the dance floor for air-guitar antics. Another repeat from last year bore witness to Ian and Andrew’s full on funk-attack to Y.M.C.A.

As attrition and alcohol claimed their casualties ahead of the 80’s section. An invasion party of middle-age women from the Peterborough fitness society spewed forth from the hall next door bemoaning our disco being better than theirs.

Back at the bar, the blonde Barmaid seemed less than impressed by my DJ (Disc-jockey) related banter, although her brunette colleague willfully picked up the baton. Nicely pished I predicted the rock section would consist of Sweet Child of Mine, Living on a Prayer and Summer of ’69 (in that order). Almost on queue GNR twanged out of the speakers and it was back to the dancefloor to find Ian for some back to back air guitar. Living on a Prayer dutifully followed and with a spring in my step I bounded back towards the bar only for the DJ to scupper things (or more likely save my embarrassment) by finishing “the rock” with MY OWN REQUEST for Van Halen’s Jump. Doh!

The midnight hour came and went only the most determined remaining to strut their funky stuff. So that’ll be me and Ian included then. Together we smashed our way through “Nightboat to Cairo”, raved like nutters to “No Limits” and invented a sort of sub-rave, cowboy style, slow-motion Baywatch pogo for “Cotton Eye Joe”

The night closed most-triumphantly with “Bohemian Rhapsody” (Everyone sitting on chairs. What was that about?), “You’ll never walk alone” followed as the final few dance-floor divas linked arms and then finally…something else. Buggered if I can remember.

Anyway…TO THE BAR!

Finding a table with Mick, Jon, Joey, Tanya, Cappsy and Danny, Ian and I joined the number. Any hope of Ellard joining the throng for GNP related gossip soon dashed as Andrew was spotted being led off to the bedrooms by a quartet of young fangirls.

A mass pizza order consumed and with the night drawing to a close, Jo and Swarj joined the “midnight club”. A merry band of those who couldn’t afford a room, those whose bookings the hotel had arsed up and students. A long night ahead and with a few of us already drifting towards the hand of nod it was deemed time to take a little walk…